Vacation Boyfriend Rules: Tips from a Pro

In the last year, I have been privileged to do quite a bit of traveling. It just so happens that on some of these trips, I have made some new friends of the opposite sex that I like to call "vacation boyfriends". I use that term because it makes me laugh and makes it sound like I'm a lot cooler than I really am. It is quite a misnomer, though. The ways in which these boys resemble actual boyfriends are very few. And the term can be applied to everyone from the guy to which you were attached at the hip for 7 days straight on a cruise to the brief breakfast date of gargantuan french toast in Vegas.

In light of our upcoming jaunt to Vegas, my friend Brandy suggested that we put together some vacation boyfriend rules, and so, my friends, here you have it. Those of you who are familiar with my vacation boyfriend stories will raise your eyebrows at some of these rules, knowing that I have already broken them numerous times. Let's just say I'm learning from my mistakes!

1) You must adhere strictly to the age range. 28-35. No exceptions. It is important to ask for ID. Men lie.

2) He must be ridiculously cute. Your friends will only see pictures of this guy. They won't know if he stutters or can't speak English or happens to be a chimney sweep or is dumber than a box of hair. They will simply click through your Shutterfly slideshow until they stumble across the adorable picture of you and your ridiculously cute vacation boyfriend and immediately shoot you an email saying, "Ooooooooooooooooooooooh, he's cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!"

3) Numbers may be exchanged, but make NO plans to see each other after vacation. It is impossible to make the transition from vacation boyfriend to real boyfriend. Attempting to do so can be very disappointing. When said vacation boyfriend realizes that you are just a normal girl with a real job and a house and a dog instead of the bikini-clad, vodka-swilling, dance-all-night goddess that you appeared to be on vacation, the text messages will slow and then halt, and you'll be left wondering why. It's better to just cherish the memories and move on to a more practical local guy when you get home. Let's be honest, you don't really want to date this guy anyway. No one is their true self on vacation. Away from the stresses of dentistry, you are relaxed, confident, spontaneous, and more often than not, drunk. Just enjoy yourself. Remember: the absence of expectation results in the reduction of disappointment.

4) You must have at least one "partner in crime", a girlfriend who meets ridiculously cute vacation boyfriend, corroborates how ridiculously cute he is, and consents to listen to you chatter on endlessly for the following 2 weeks about how ridiculously cute he is and how much fun you had.


5) There ought to be one really good reason that you would never date this person so you are not tempted to make the above-referenced transition. Something that would make you say, "Psht, NO!" when asked by practical older sister on whether you "like" this guy (meaning, are you doodling his last name yet?). For example, he has more tattoos than Dennis Rodman, or he's Jewish (no, I'm not anti-semitic, but I'm not Jewish either, so the chances of that working out are slim), or he can't pronounce my name correctly, or he likes the Clintons, or he hates dogs and children, etc . . . BEWARE: It can be tempting to make this one good reason an age range violation ("Psht, NO, I couldn't date him! He's only 23!"), but be strong and resist. There are plenty of vacationing men that weren't getting their learner's permit when you were dissecting a cadaver in dental school and knew about the Black Crowes before Kate Hudson.

6) He must constantly tell you how cute and fun you are and say things such as, "You're in better shape than most 23-year-olds I know" or "I didn't know they made dentists that look like you!" or "There's no way you're 29". Anything to boost your self-esteem. It is important to come home from vacation feeling like you can conquer the world.